Monday, January 12, 2015

Last Week At Cottage...

Historical Events As Seen By A Faraway Cottage Owner


This is my diary for last week's events. The point of view of a little teacher who lives far away from Paris. You will not find the official facts here - they are on all news website, so what's the point on writing them again - but the way I experienced them.

Voici mon journal des événements passés. La façon dont la semaine a été vécue par une petite prof qui vit loin de Paris. Ce n'est pas un récit des événements - vous les connaissez -  mais de la vie pendant les événements.

Wednesday

I go to work, then I hurry to visit a little studio for a project I'll tell you about some day... It's very cloudy that day which means the radio in the car won't work, so I'm listening to a CD of Verdi's Traviata. On the way home, I stop to the post office and to the beach.

Back at Cottage at about 3 pm, I let one cat in, the other out, open my laptop and that's when everything stops "Attack in Paris" is written on my screen when I open the Internet. I turn the TV on... it's going to stay on for a very, very long time.

I can't go to bed... The idea of what could happen while I sleep prevents me from closing my eyes.


Mercredi

Je vais au travail, puis je me précipite pour visiter sur l'heure de déjeuner un minuscule studio pour un projet dont je vous parlerai un autre jour. Il fait très nuageux et donc comme d'habitude, la radio de la voiture ne capte pas... Je mets donc un CD de la Traviata. Au retour, je m'arrête à La Poste pour tenter d'avoir des réponses sur les nouveaux tarifs, je passe aussi par la plage...

3h - je suis de retour à la maison. J'allume l'ordinateur dans l'espoir de trouver de nouvelles explications sur les fameux tarifs La Poste et là, tout s'arrête. "Attaque terroriste à Paris". J'allume la télé en vitesse... Elle va le rester très longtemps.

Je ne peux pas aller me coucher. L'idée de ce qui pourrait se passer pendant que j'ai les yeux fermés m'en empêche.


Thursday

At 1 am, I decide to turn the TV off, to go to my bedroom... But sleep escapes me, all I can think of is the feelings one must have when you're at a meeting surrounded by colleagues and suddenly someone burst in with war weapons... Empathy is a often a gift when you're a teacher but every now and then, it's a curse that prevents you from sleeping. I finally doze off.

5am: I wake up with a scream... Useless to try to go back to sleep, I go down the stairs and turn the TV on while putting the kettle on... I rarely put the TV on before work: the last time I did it, it was during the Sydney attack and the Ottawa attack... I wish this won't become a regular thing...

7:30 am - I go to work, I'm late because I couldn't turn the TV off... I try to act as usual for my pupils, to laugh with them - because I'm known to be funny - but somehow I choke and can't prevent the tears from rolling on my cheeks as they ask me questions...

9:15 am - I'm supposed to drive to the second school, but as Cottage is on the way, I stop only for a few minutes to turn the TV on - there's been a second attack. Very difficult to find the energy to go to work again. The day is spent both answering my pupils' questions and trying to act as usual as I firmly believe children need to see that life is going on, that their whole world hasn't stopped.

5:30 pm - back to Cottage. Shoot! I forgot to stop by the supermarket to buy some cat food...
As I try to cope with everyday things, I clean the cat litter, bring the bag to the trash can and realise that I forgot to put the trashcan out yesterday evening... I still have my great calendar, but yesterday I forgot to look at it.

7:00 pm - as so many other people, I hope they'll catch the attackers, so I keep an eye on TV. For the very first time since last winter's storms, I close my blue shutters... Somehow I feel like I need to shut myself from the outside world.


Jeudi

1h du mat' - Je décide de monter dans ma chambre. Je ne peux pas dormir... Mon cerveau reste bloqué sur ce qu'on doit ressentir quand on est en réunion avec des collègues et qu'un mec se pointe avec une kalachnikov... L'empathie, c'est un super pouvoir quand on est prof... C'est parfois aussi une plaie!

5h du mat' - J'ai dû m'assoupir car je me réveille en criant. Je descends pour allumer la télé. La dernière fois que je l'ai allumée si tôt, c'était lors des attaques d'Ottawa et de Sydney.

7h30 - Je pars travailler. Je suis très en retard, mais je n'arrivai pas à éteindre la télé, comme si j'espérais que le journaliste allait dire "Pas de panique! C'était une bonne blague des caricaturistes!"

9h15 - Je suis sur la route entre mes deux collèges. Je fais un léger détour par la maison pour jeter un œil sur le journal - nouvelle attaque à Paris - appeler mes parents et embrasser mes chats. Être à l'heure semble moins important que d'habitude. Au collège, je tente l'équilibre entre répondre aux questions légitimes des élèves et poursuivre un semblant de cours car il me semble que les enfants ont besoin du message "la vie ne s'arrête pas".

5h30 - Je suis de retour au Cottage, j'ai oublié de m'arrêter au supermarché pour les croquettes des chats... Je m'aperçois alors que la veille, j'ai aussi oublié de sortir les poubelles... Mes voisins aussi, sinon j'aurai vu les leurs en partant le matin et cela m'aurait rappelé à mes devoirs!

7h du soir - Comme tout le monde, j'espère que les policiers vont trouver les suspects avant la nuit... Pour la première fois depuis les violentes tempêtes de l'hiver dernier, je ferme mes volets bleus... Un besoin ridicule d'essayer d'empêcher le monde extérieur de pénétrer dans le Cottage.  


Friday

00:15 am - No one is caught yet... I decide to try to sleep a little.

5:30 - Up. TV on. My mind begins to be unable to function. Sentences are difficult to think and form.

8:00 - I arrive at school. The gates are all closed because all schools are under a protection measure. I lose it... For some reason, that simple little thing makes me cry and I can't control it... I go straight to the photocopy machine, hoping no one is here so I can dab my eyes and pretend everything is OK. Of course, a colleague is there. He asks no question.

I keep an eye on the news as I teach. I'm in front of my pupils when I read about the first hostage situation. I turn green or grey or whatever for a second. They must have seen it. So I find something witty to say. I have no idea how I can still make them laugh, but somehow I can.

Same thing about the second hostage situation in the early afternoon.

I remember that I have to buy some food for the cats... At the supermarket, every TV is turned on the news, when they usually show a movie they are trying to sell on DVDs... It's those little things that help my sleep-deprived brain understand that the moment is a historical one.

4:30 pm - back at Cottage. Watching TV again... I try to do some housework... But I can't keep my eyes away from the damn TV more than a few minutes. Suddenly, journalists say that they can hear gunshots... We all understand that the police closed in on the attackers. It'll be long hours before we really know what happened, how many people are safe and how many were killed.

00:00 - before going to bed, I decided to revert to draft the post that was to be published on Saturday morning. It doesn't seem appropriate. Yes, life has to go on, but right now a pause is needed. 


Vendredi

00h15 - Personne n'est attrapé, ni trouvé. Je me force à aller me coucher.

5h30 - Je rallume la télé.

8h00 - J'arrive à l'école. Toutes les grilles sont fermées à cause du plan vigipirate. Cela me fait craquer. C'est bizarre comme c'est un détail comme ça qui vous fait prendre conscience des choses. Je fonce à la photocopieuse, espérant ne croiser personne le temps de sécher mes larmes. Evidemment, je tombe sur un collègue. Il ne fait aucune remarque.

Je garde CNN allumé sans le son pendant mes cours. J'apprends en direct les deux prises d'otages, mais, même si je vire au vert ou au gris pendant une seconde, je ne dis rien aux élèves. Tant que je n'ai pas croisé plusieurs sites d'info, mieux vaut ne pas transmettre de fausses infos. Je ne sais pas comment je fais, mais je plaisante avec eux comme d'habitude...

Je finis tôt le vendredi et cette fois, je n'oublie pas de m'arrêter pour acheter les croquettes de mes nombreux chats... Au supermarché, toutes les télés du rayon sont allumés sur des sites d'info et pas sur le dernier DVD qu'on essaie de nous vendre comme d'habitude. Le monsieur qui parle dans son micro toutes les deux chansons pour nous annoncer des promotions extraordinaires (et qui m'énerve, vous ne pouvez pas savoir) a changé de discours, il nous invite à nous joindre à la marche de dimanche prochain.

5h - Retour au Cottage. Je vois les images de l'assaut et je me demande comment des hommes trouvent le courage de rentrer dans une pièce dans laquelle un fou est armé... Il faudra plusieurs heures avant la conférence du procureur pour savoir ce qui s'est passé.

Minuit - Juste avant d'aller me coucher, je pense à annuler l'article qui devait être publié le lendemain matin. Certes, la vie continue, mais il y a aussi un temps pour tout. 


Saturday

I'm numbed... I go to the beach - a nice way to help my brain think again. The regular sound of the waves brings back childhood memories and calms me.
As I come back to Cottage, my neighbour comes to me. He's a quiet man and he never said more than "jour!" to me (a very short way to say "Good day"). He chats about our very mild temperatures for January, but what I hear is "I'm human, so are you, I know it".

As every evening since Wednesday, I light candles on the window sills... It's a way many people have found to say "we're together" to their neighbours lately.


Samedi

Je suis un peu sonnée... Je vais à la plage car seul le bruit régulier des vagues, souvenir d'enfance, peut me permettre de réfléchir.

A mon retour, mon voisin qui est un taiseux et qui est d'habitude à son maximum avec "jour!" ("Bon-jour", c'est trop de syllabes pour lui) vient me parler de la pluie et du beau temps. Derrière ces phrases-là, j'entends "je suis humain, vous aussi, je le reconnais".

Comme tous les soirs depuis mercredi, j'allume des bougies sur mes rebords de fenêtres... Beaucoup d'entre nous le faisons, comme un moyen de se dire d'une maison à l'autre "nous sommes ensemble".


Sunday

I'm one in 4 millions. The nearest town to Cottage is a very small town with very narrow streets. Surprisingly, there are more than 30,000 people gathered in the town... We are to meet in front of the cathedral... But I never can make it there as it is too crowded: I have to wait on the side of the cathedral... We then go from there to the Justice Court... I try to take pictures, but as I'm short, it is very difficult to show you the crowd.

It reads "Make fun, not war".

Back home, I'm just blown away by the number of people who marched not only in Paris, not only in France, but in the whole world. It is such a comforting feeling to know I am not alone.


Dimanche

Je suis une parmi quatre millions. La ville la plus proche de Cottage est toute petite avec des rues très étroites. Mais il y a plus de 30 000 personnes... Evidemment, on ne tient pas tous devant la cathédrale où est le rendez-vous... On déborde de partout. Mais c'est dans le calme que nous mettons plus d'une heure à rejoindre le palais de justice (habituellement cinq minutes chrono).


Quand je regarde les informations, je suis soufflée par la mobilisation non seulement à Paris, non seulement en France, mais dans le monde entier. C'est un sentiment réconfortant de ne pas être seul.

This one reads "Freedom Under Construction".

Thank you,

"Not afraid, hands off my freedom".

Merci,




PS1: I tried to tell you the facts as I experienced them. I also tried not to write about my beliefs: I don't think reacting while so upset would be a bad idea - clearly my mind is a mess right now.

PS1: J'ai essayé de rester très factuelle dans cet article. Je ne crois pas que publier des réflexions à chaud soit très productif... Mon esprit est très embrouillé pour l'instant.

PS2: I'm not using the newspaper's name nor the victims' in this post, because I know how trendy they are right now on the Internet and I wouldn't want that little blog to gain readers thanks to a tragedy. 

PS2: Si je ne nomme ni le journal ni les journalistes, c'est parce que je sais combien ces noms sont populaires actuellement sur le web. Il est hors de question que ce tout petit blog se fasse sa pub grâce à eux.

PS3: Pictures were all taken last week... Long walks on the beach to try to think clearly, Cottage not at its best but with the lights of knowledge and Sunday march.

PS3: Les photos sont prises cette semaine-là... Longues marches sur la plage pour tenter de retrouver un fil de pensée cohérent, Cottage avec un jardin et une terrasse en piteux état, mais éclairé de petites bougies symboliques et la marche de dimanche.



51 comments:

  1. I am touched! I made two blogposts about those tragic events.I attended two processions/demonstrations tribute to the people of France, tribute to freedom and democracy.AriadnefromGreece!

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  2. Thank you for your heartfelt and poignant account of the days. It is with deep regret that no one leader from our country stood there to walk with the leaders of the world in Paris. Our journalists are pressing for reasons why, and it is being admitted as a mistake from our administration. Too little, too late.

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    1. Rita,
      I'm not blaming anyone: it all happened so fast, maybe it was difficult to get how huge things were getting since they were not in France. I still remember that John Kerry spoke in French after the first attack and that really amazed me. Do you think you can email me your email address so I can answer you privately next time?
      A huge thank you for your support,
      Magali

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  3. My Heart truly aches for your people there. Make no mistake.... our thoughts and prayers are with all of you.. someone from our government certainly should have been in attendance with your people. NO EXCUSES! Hope you are feeling better today. So proud of you.

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  4. I am glad you shared this. It is awful what happened and seems to be getting worse worldwide. It will take time for the thought of these tragedies to not bother you as much. This is the way I was when 9-11 happened. I was watching the t.v. as the planes hit the towers and you just didn't know what to think. Take care.

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  5. Your story goes straight to my heart ! I totally recognize the feeling of not being able to sleep, being afraid of the next horrible event to happen... Me too I lost too many hours of sleep, zapping from our Belgian channels, over the BBC, CNN and back to all the French channels... being taught various languages just this once proved to be a burden...But you know, Magali, the hardest thing was explaining this to my youngest son, 12 years old... It is hard to explain "why" if you don't understand "why" !! Hugs, Marcy

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    1. I think everyone who has lived through an attack might recognise the feeling. And yes, speaking different languages was nightmarish as I kept getting different infos. It proved useful to follow the news at school without my pupils understanding a word... The "why" is very difficult. But sometimes, it's OK to tell children that some people act on passion and that it doesn't always make sense. I have a few quotes that might help on my Pinterest board...
      Big hugs,
      Magali xxx

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  6. Reading your very personal account of the last week is very sad. All the news coverage has been extremely upsetting but your diary of how the events affected your life and those around you, has been very moving and has brought it home even more.
    Sometimes it's better to share things.

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  7. I think so many of us, particularly those who have connections with France, are reaching out across the world to Paris.

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  8. Dear Magali, your personal diary of the past week is very sad. What you have written is I think how helpless a lot of people felt all over the world watching this unfold. It is very difficult to explain to children what is happening in the world. The show of incredible unity shown in France was incredible and I am glad you shared the photos you took. Ann

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    1. I felt like I had to bring back home a testimony of that day. Helpless is also how I felt as I was in front of my TV... The march was just a way (maybe very selfish) to try not to be so helpless.

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  9. Hi Magali, so tragic... Like Kim said above, it is the same feeling Americans had during 911. Shock would be the main one for me... Because we love, it is hard to understand all this.

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  10. I thought of you often as the events unfolded. I can relate because all your feelings are feelings we Americans felt on 911. I'd like to offer my apologies for the failure of our current leader who sent no one to stand with France. It was a disgrace, and know that "We the people of the USA) do stand with you, and have a tight bond with France. France, as well as the USA, will never be the same after events like this, and these wounds never heal, but time does move forward and hopefully in this case we can start getting this Islamic terrorism under control. May sleep come to you soon, as that is needed to move ahead.

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  11. It is extra hard for you, because you had to brave for the children. xoox

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  12. Oh Magali - I am so sorry for this bad thing that has come to your country and around the world. God help us all. I wish our President had stood with others. People are very disappointed. Keep safe and we pray they will all be found but I fear the woman got out quickly. I pray our heavenly Father keeps you in His perfect care!

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  13. Magali it helps to read your personal account because this is all real and we all need to care. I follow a young American woman who lives a few blocks from the killings on Instagram and her posts were personal too and I appreciated it so much.

    Thank you also for being there for the children. You must be completed depleted and exhausted. They needed you, and you were there.

    It does remind me of how we felt during 9/11. I could not stop watching the tv either or sleep or eat. It was terrifying.

    I am praying for peace. Peace on earth.

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  14. Sorry I forgot to say the American woman lives in Paris just blocks away from the newspaper location.

    And you must be completely exhaused. I send you hugs and love and am lighting my candles for you and France. Peace xxo Kerrie

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  15. Your personal detailed account is comforting when I understand that all over the world people are reaching out to Paris and to France. I am heartened by the unity and compassion of the crowds.

    Be safe and be strong for your children. Many tears have been shed this week.

    Bises,
    Genie

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  16. Reading this post I can feel your pain. Please know that you going to work and try to do every day things is a way of coping with the horrific tragedy. Going to the town is another way of being in solidarity with your countrymen. Bless you, Kathleen in Az

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    1. The different marches all around the world were a terribly stupid thing to do since with the attacks all gatherings are forbidden. But it's because it was stupid that it was brave and sent a huge message to the world.

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  17. A terrible tragedy..........you are not alone........we are with you!! Having suffered through 9/11 here at home, I was glued to the TV and also had trouble sleeping. Since all air traffic was halted back then and no one out on the roads........made those days quite eerie with no noise. There was so much tension in the air.

    I also apologize that no one from our country was there to stand with your country men.........

    Wishing you peace and blessings.......xoxo

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    1. As I wrote before, please don't apologise! We are not responsible for our leaders' actions... Otherwise I'd spend my days apologising! I think everyone in France felt that the USA were with them. We all know Obama called our President straight away (it was on the news) and we all admired how John Kerry chose to speak in French.
      Magali xxx

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  18. Thank you for sharing your very personal experience. It is sad what is going on in the world, but I still have hope for mankind.

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  19. Magali, I Love the French. I do.

    I spent many years as an adult, struggling to learn your language because of the sounds. I then fell in love with the art of France, the countryside, then, the most important thing: THE PEOPLE.

    We are all resilient when necessary. But the French have demonstrated a brilliant example of solidarity that I think the world needs to see. I was SO PROUD of my adopted language and culture when I listened to your president give the first speech "L'Attentat à Paris." I required my French IV students to listen to it, individually on their own computers. They had to listen carefully and select new vocabulary they have never heard, etc....They loved his speech, and a new world opened up to them. I was proud.

    March on mon amie. We are marching with you with great pride. Vive la France, Vive l'amour. Anita

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  20. Ils ont même arrêté les comptages sur la capitale tellement la foule était compacte, immense, tout ce peuple qui sait qu'il est temps de manifester contre les extrêmes et les radicaux, contre l'horreur et la barbarie, c'était tellement beau
    Je te souhaite de belles choses et des moments doux dans ta jolie maison aux volets bleus

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    1. Paris a été complètement fou: c'était tellement dangereux de rassembler autant de monde dans la capitale, mais tellement courageux. J'admire ! Cela donne de l'espoir pour les jours à venir.

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  21. Tous ces évènements sont si tristes. Je suis écoeurée.
    Caresses aux félins. Bises. Babette

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  22. Oh, Magali! This post brings back so many memories of 9-11-2001. The fear, not so much for my safety, but of losing the life of freedom that we all enjoy. I love France and my heart goes out to everyone there. What a horrible tragedy! I will never understand why our President was not there to stand with other world leaders, but the American people are definitely with the French people in spirit...

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  23. Dear Magali, you are not alone at all...Je Suis Charlie,

    Nadia

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  24. Jour, to you my dear Magali,
    So much sadness everywhere, peace and calm where ever you find your days. Prays to those in Paris.
    Such a well written post, it really chocked me up to hear your day in school with young students, and your thoughts so driven with the news that the market was in a forgetful place.
    On a note you cottage is a place of shelter, a sanctuary place of peaceful calming beauty.

    Will enjoy my days in visiting you, I am your newest follower.

    Bisous

    Xx
    Doré

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    1. Doré,
      Thank you for your kind words. I promise my next posts won't be as sad (fingers crossed, just in case).
      Magali

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  25. I read this and felt every emotion as I did watching the TV while it happened. I couldn't look away. Normal people leading normal lives to be taken away so violently. Ever since, while out and about, I keep thinking of the daily routine and how things can be destroyed so quickly without any care or love. I have written to my great aunt who lives in Paris and pray that she is ok. Je suis Charlie.

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  26. Dear Magali,
    that is how many people felt last week and felt on the 11th September: Not wanting to believe it, than slowly understanding what was going on and how everything that is bad in human nature and in some "culture" stroke just like some ancient beast. Thank you so much for your comment, I am glad and thankful for the way people in france and all over Europe reacted. Perhaps it is enough now and we will start to defend our core values in a way that does not contradict them at the same time. That is very difficult as we have daily proof. I hope you are better now, but it will take some time to recover. I don´t know, what to wish for, perhaps: That we will stay truly human and the beast in us will be tamed or diligently locked away.
    Yours, Sarah

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  27. Dear Magali, My thoughts and payers are with you and your country. American people were with you in spirit, if not in person. Life is never the same after something like this, but it does go on. I am praying for peace.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. We all understood that the American people felt the same way as us.
      Magali

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  28. I hope writing this was therapeutic for you, Magali. As many Americans ahead of me have mentioned here, we're reminded of 9/11 and the shock, horror and violation we felt in those early days. You have a doubly difficult task of healing because you are in a position where children are looking to you for answers and for hope. I'm praying for wisdom and strength for you as you continue to teach these young ones while working through your own grief. Gentle hugs ~ Nancy

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  29. This is just so tragic. My heart goes out to you all.

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  30. Your photos of your people gathered together in support show how you will get through this in days to come, Magali. I know you will always remember those first moments when you realized what was happening in your beloved country. My thoughts are with you in this difficult time. Take care.
    Vickie

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  31. So sad. Seems to be the way of the world. Where violence springs forth so quickly and out of nowhere. A scary world.
    Brenda

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  32. Events like this do have such an effect on people. I am always sad and repeating "why?" When the Twin towers in New York, it was such a shock to everyone. Any time these kind of horrors happen it chips at our hearts. We feel sadness, horror and anger. And we keep asking "WHY?"

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  33. So eloquently written, the whole sorrow and senselessness of this horrible act. Hugs to you. Your thoughtfulness and caring in this terrible time I know helped your students cope. xo Patty

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  34. Magali I have thought about you often during the last week and I even Googled the location of the "woods" where the search for the terrorists was taking place to make sure it was not too close to your cottage. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings in this post. Like all of my fellow Americans who have commented here, I too was transported back to 9/11 as I watched the news of the shootings and the chase for the terrorists and knowing how hurtful these actions are to you and your countrymen. I think that is the reason why we are all so upset with our President for not going to Paris and representing the support of our citizens. I can only think that those who are responsible for these types of attacks don't understand how much we value our freedoms and how hard we will fight to retain them.
    You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers,
    Traci

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    1. Thank you so much, Traci. Freedom is a complete foreign concept to some people. But I don't understand how you can't appreciate the value of any human life, including theirs...
      Magali

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  35. Dear Magali, I have read your heartfelt post twice now. Thank you for sharing with us because I could only have imagined what you were feeling, what you have been going through and so bravely for your students. My heart goes out to you and all the people of France and not least of course those who lost their lives and their families. It has been a tragic time. The thoughts of terrorism in our world again is so scary but the kindness of others, people unifying across the world in support gives me hope. Thinking of you all x

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  36. Magali, just catching up with friends after my daughter's visit, and having read your post now, and just coming from your current post about harmony, I sincerely hope that the people of France will find the strength and hope to believe in a world of harmony once again, despite the tragic events of the last few days. For, just as in music, a few wrong notes may cause a temporary discord to the ear, but it, too, fades into darkness, when the melody of many other notes drown out its heavy pang.

    Thinking of you,
    Poppy

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  37. Just catching up from being away from my main computer. It's a little late but feel I have to tell you I was thinking about you and all of my French friends when this act to terror happened in Paris! I appreciate you describing how you felt and trying to move on with a normal daily routine which we all know is almost impossible when our countries are attacked. I love Paris and it was so hard to think of such evil acts happening there. Prayers for your country................

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  38. :*( I just wish everyone in the world could respect the rights of others to believe as they wish. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to remind us all how much love there is in the world.

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  39. My friend, let's get back to some things you enjoy. Pray, light candles and have faith and take care of yourself. Let's all be strong and not let crisis stop human life, no matter how simple the life you live. Talk to you soon :)

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  40. Dear friend, your are not alone. We all suffered your pain as we did on 9/11. I pray every night for peace and that we can all get along together.
    Please take care of your self
    Mary

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  41. Magali, I am so sorry that I am only getting around to reading this now. I remember very clearly what I was doing those days, and now knowing what you were doing, does make it feel like the world is a little smaller. I remember experiencing those very same emotions as you did during 9-11. I hope it helps to know that so many people around the world were there for you and the people of France.

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